Monday, January 24, 2011

SO grateful...

I just had to share...I would be too ungrateful not to.
So I was pregnant, due June 16, 2011. I was sick as a dog until a couple days to Christmas. We were visiting my brother, Robert, and his family in Canada. I woke up one morning feeling so much better. I thought I was coming out of the first trimester nasties, though I wondered at how good I felt. I'd never felt that good while pregnant. I stay pretty sick, but I thought I was blessed. I was so happy.
We returned to Hershey and I had a Dr. appointment Tuesday, January 4th. The Dr. couldn't hear the heartbeat. I thought the baby was hiding or the Dr. was just missing his heart. So he scheduled an ultrasound for the following day, just to check it out. I was nervous, but assured myself that everything was okay. I was 16 weeks along, after all, and had a CD at home from the 12 week ultrasound (the picture above is from that ultrasound). The baby had been such a cute little peanut, its heartbeat so strong and stable.
The worst moment in a long time--maybe ever--was when I saw the screen...with my little peanut resting inside. No movement, no heartbeat. Sobs tore through me. I couldn't believe it. I knew it was a possibility, but there really was no way to prepare for such a thing.
The night of the ultrasound my friend Stacey brought us dinner. The following Sunday night (before the surgery) another friend, Amy, brought us dinner. It was a large dish that helped sustain us the whole next week. My friend and neighbor, Chrissie, brought over brownies and stopped by to see how I was. My friend, Andrea, brought over lotion and a sweet note. I'm so grateful for their kind gestures and that they were there for me.
I had to wait until Monday to get a D&E (dilation and extraction). It was the second worst day. They were going to take my baby out of me. It made it all so real. They baby was really dead. When it was over Alan took me home and stayed with me. He stayed with me a lot that next week. He's still struggling to catch up in his classes, but I needed him so much. I'm so grateful for that.
My brother and sister-in-law, Robert and Sarah, took the boys for a week. That was an enormous blessing, too. I was a walking zombie. I couldn't even take care of myself. And the boys were quite disturbed by my sporadic bawling fits. So Rob and Sarah took them into their home and cared for them as if they were their own. I am so grateful for that.
That Saturday before the ultrasound, my friend Katie stopped by...with 10 bags of groceries and a beautiful bouquet of flowers. She brought the food in and put it away and hugged me and cried with me. It was amazing. No one's ever done something like that for me. I just stood there, stunned as she filled up our fridge, freezer, and pantry. Seriously, it was such a blessing. She helped more than she probably knows. I'm so grateful for that.
Some time around then my friend Jennifer brought over a card and lotion. It made me bawl. She also brought over some apples and oranges. She also made us dinner twice later in the week. Like Katie's gesture, it made me feel wonderful that someone thought of me and cared. I'm so grateful for that.
My mother-in-law and father-in-law cried at the news. They cried with us. My mother called and cried with me. They truly "mourned with those who mourn". I'm so grateful for that.
It was so much more than food and service and phone calls, it was support. Support I needed so much, which helped me get through such an awful time. I'm SO very grateful for that.
I still grieve, though my heart is healing. I know the Lord had his hand in what happened and I can accept that. I just miss the baby that was alive inside of me for all those weeks...the dreams I had for him/her and the excitement I had to bring another spirit in the world. I feel it will happen. Just not now.
Until then I try to focus on the precious boys the Lord has let me keep. I'm so, so grateful for them.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

O Tamara I had no idea. I'm sooo soooo sorry. Ive still been mourning over the two implants for surrogacy not taking so I fully understand! Only Heavenly Father knows whats best and sometimes thats hard to comprehend. I love you!! Take care and do know its ok to be sad and cry, cuz I said so :-)

Lori said...

Tamara, I am so sorry to hear it. Seriously heart-broken for you. I can't even imagine what that would be like. I'm glad you've had the support you've needed to see you and your family through. I wish you the very best in the future! Hearts to the bordens...

Amy said...

I'm so sorry to hear this news. Miscarriages are so heart-breaking. Thank you for sharing your experience, though. I had a miscarriage before Josh, though I wasn't quite as far along and no one knew yet. I didn't have to have a D&C, so it wasn't nearly as hard as your experience. I am truly amazed at how many loving, thoughtful people you have around you. What a blessing to have them during such a trial.

Sara said...

I'm so sorry. I cried at your post. I recently had the same experience and it's the most emotionally taxing event I've gone through, but at the same time spiritually uplifting. I'm so glad you have so much support and are being taken care of. The little things mean a lot. Love you and will keep you in our prayers!

The Robinson's said...

Tamara,
I'm so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. It really pulls at my heart strings. I had one myself when my son was 18 mos. I ended up with a D&C as well.
Losing a child as my grandma (you remember her?) always said is the hardest thing a mother can go through.
You have some amazing love from your spouse and family. Your friends are really awesome.
You are truly grateful. Crying is a wonderful way of healing.
Love,
Juanita

kristenita said...

Oh cousin. I'm so sorry. This post broke my heart for you & I'm sad. I'm so glad you have such amazing friends & family, though- how well they have taken care of you!!! May your heart heal quickly & may you feel our prayers (& tears) for you.
Loves!

Anonymous said...

I'm so heart broken for you but so grateful those that love you are close by. I wish I was there to come help out and give you loves. I think that would be the most difficult thing a mother could deal with. It's hard to admit blessing come out of trials but it really does give us a chance to see all the angels around us. Love to you all, please always call if you ever need anything or miss your favorite seattle-ite. :) No one makes me laugh like TamTam and I'd love to return the favor. You're in our prayers over here.