SO grateful...

I just had to share...I would be too ungrateful not to.

So I was pregnant, due June 16, 2011. I was sick as a dog until a couple days to Christmas. We were visiting my brother, Robert, and his family in Canada. I woke up one morning feeling so much better. I thought I was coming out of the first trimester nasties, though I wondered at how good I felt. I'd never felt that good while pregnant. I stay pretty sick, but I thought I was blessed. I was so happy.
We returned to Hershey and I had a Dr. appointment Tuesday, January 4th. The Dr. couldn't hear the heartbeat. I thought the baby was hiding or the Dr. was just missing his heart. So he scheduled an ultrasound for the following day, just to check it out. I was nervous, but assured myself that everything was okay. I was 16 weeks along, after all, and had a CD at home from the 12 week ultrasound (the picture above is from that ultrasound). The baby had been such a cute little peanut, its heartbeat so strong and stable.
The worst moment in a long time--maybe ever--was when I saw the screen...with my little peanut resting inside. No movement, no heartbeat. Sobs tore through me. I couldn't believe it. I knew it was a possibility, but there really was no way to prepare for such a thing.
The night of the ultrasound my friend Stacey brought us dinner. The following Sunday night (before the surgery) another friend, Amy, brought us dinner. It was a large dish that helped sustain us the whole next week. My friend and neighbor, Chrissie, brought over brownies and stopped by to see how I was. My friend, Andrea, brought over lotion and a sweet note. I'm so grateful for their kind gestures and that they were there for me.
I had to wait until Monday to get a D&E (dilation and extraction). It was the second worst day. They were going to take my baby out of me. It made it all so real. They baby was really dead. When it was over Alan took me home and stayed with me. He stayed with me a lot that next week. He's still struggling to catch up in his classes, but I needed him so much. I'm so grateful for that.
My brother and sister-in-law, Robert and Sarah, took the boys for a week. That was an enormous blessing, too. I was a walking zombie. I couldn't even take care of myself. And the boys were quite disturbed by my sporadic bawling fits. So Rob and Sarah took them into their home and cared for them as if they were their own. I am so grateful for that.
That Saturday before the ultrasound, my friend Katie stopped by...with 10 bags of groceries and a beautiful bouquet of flowers. She brought the food in and put it away and hugged me and cried with me. It was amazing. No one's ever done something like that for me. I just stood there, stunned as she filled up our fridge, freezer, and pantry. Seriously, it was such a blessing. She helped more than she probably knows. I'm so grateful for that.

Some time around then my friend Jennifer brought over a card and lotion. It made me bawl. She also brought over some apples and oranges. She also made us dinner twice later in the week. Like Katie's gesture, it made me feel wonderful that someone thought of me and cared. I'm so grateful for that.
My mother-in-law and father-in-law cried at the news. They cried with us. My mother called and cried with me. They truly "mourned with those who mourn". I'm so grateful for that.
It was so much more than food and service and phone calls, it was support. Support I needed so much, which helped me get through such an awful time. I'm SO very grateful for that.
I still grieve, though my heart is healing. I know the Lord had his hand in what happened and I can accept that. I just miss the baby that was alive inside of me for all those weeks...the dreams I had for him/her and the excitement I had to bring another spirit in the world. I feel it will happen. Just not now.
Until then I try to focus on the precious boys the Lord has let me keep. I'm so, so grateful for them.